Happy Friday, the 13th.

Living a nobody's life is really not all that exciting. It pains to see how quick people lose hope on you.

It was not always like this. I was somebody sometime. But then now.. hmm.. Am i living in my past glories?? Probably. But then, it is not like i chose to. Thats the only place i get my energy and motivation from. Looking back at who i was shows what i can be. Is it bad? I dont know.

"I dont know". A phrase that is by default imbibed in most of my sentences. How come i have suddenly become all that confused in life. I have no goal, no path, no motivation and no energy. I am currently living a zombie's life. I just have to restart. Just that i dont know from where.

I am not sure how long this is gona last but the dip has been made. I guess this is where i realise how low can i fall. I have already passed my previous rock bottom. I hope to find the rock bottom soon so that i can rise from there.

But then, wishful thinking gets you no where. How i wish it could. Its getting really hard to hang in here. Its frustrating. Its Draining. I guess this is the side effect of choosing a path that is less travelled. I don't have things laid in front of me... nor do i expect it that way. But, its just getting so hard to sustain the energy.

Hang in there. No pain. Keep the spirit going. Accepting defeat is not an option. Failing does not exist.

As I looked at her…

As I pass through the memory lane and the wheel of time stops on the first day college, there are a few memories that stand out. The first look at hostel, the feeling that you are as free as a bird... dying down, the fear of how you will be able to survive for four years in this place, the first meet with friends (who later on became gang members… who still stick around with me!), the orientation, the first food at canteen (and you almost throw up), the bland hostel food, everybody talking in Tamil and none in English (for a person who is used to talking in Tamil ONLY with his parents and English/ Hindi rest of the time.. that was a BIG shock), thinking again whether you have made the right choice by leaving your comfort zone and coming here but then decide not to tell this to your dad cause you chose it and want to stick by the decision (read as EGO clash!).

There are few things that when looked back doesn't even matter now. It seemed so funny when I wrote the above paragraph as things changed a LOT in 4 years at THIGARAJAR COLLEGE OF ENGINEERING, MADURAI. But then, there are a few things that flash through your mind… you remember how it was initially and what you expected it to be, and now when you see how it is… you have that silent smile on your face.

One of such things happened at the ORIENTATION on day 1 of my college. I don't remember much of the incident. I am sure someone would have spoke of the college… we had a tour of the college, etc. But there are some things that I clearly remember. It happened during my tour of college. Just when I was thinking of how crappy the place is and how the hell would I manage to survive for 4 long years in this god forsaken land which people outside Tamil Nadu have hardly heard about, there she was… In a traditional black salwar. I have no idea why I saw her, but I guess she stood out of the crowd. White as milk (with extra talc-powder! Extra-extra I guess), dangling earrings, cautiously listening to every single word that came out of a prof. who was blabbering (learnt later that she was from IIT, M teaching in physics department). I kinda got scared looking at her initially, looked highly padauk as if they we were going to write a pop quiz about the orientation, but most importantly, she made me realise that I had not heard a thing. Well, I almost believed that there might be a pop up quiz in the end and the topper gets his degree certificate instantly. But then, being just me, I did not bother about the orientation but surprisingly this female stole my attention. Well, after all, she kinda smashed the feeling I had that there CANNOT be gorgeous Tamil females, least of all in Madurai. She made me believe that if there was one like her per batch, there might be more fishes in the ocean (a fact that got squashed, smashed, vaporised as time went by). As I was looking at her, apart from other things, time flew by and we ended the trip. After which I NEVER saw her. I knew it was too good to be true and I can NEVER meet her again.

I NEVER knew NEVER would be so short. I saw her soon enough in college, a couple of classes beside mine. But, by then, I learnt that the best way to survive at madurai is to keep your mouth shut as English is considered SIN, Hindi is considered out caste and broken Tamil (well.. cracked.. crushed.. Tamil) like mine would be like begging people to make fun of me (sad that this fact remains true till today... no matter how much you improve... you are still remembered how you were when you initially came). So, the usually boy move (very different from other boys in mdu) to ignore the person (nothing like beating their ego!) and walk as if she never existed. Hmm... Little that people knew this was a desperate attempt not be made fun at in front of her.

Fast forward (wish there was something like that in real life…) Universe conspired... and due to various... NUMEROUS... truly memorable events... we met up again and started speaking. I don't know if it was because of courtesy or true affection, I was invited to her birthday party. Well, I so really wanted to be there… but then… I had to leave a day before for HOME. Tough decision… but I guess what I did was right. I REALLY wanted to go home. A lot of things happened when I was not there… but then… that's for later!

Well… for the good I guess... we ended up in a gang called SWASHBUCKLERS (the gang was the best thing that happened to me in my 4 years stay in Madurai). And I DID get a chance to go to her house (well… right now I must say… the first of god knows how many!) and not just that… we were invited for lunch! Food is something that stimulates me any day. But little did I know what that trip held in store for me. I realised from where she got that genes of being amazing. I met her mom. Man… I MUST say… as I keep repeating to anyone I meet… she is truly amazing. I cannot expect someone who would willingly invite a big bunch of hostellers for lunch. I am not sure if she knew what she was into but then too late to back out. I don't know about the rest… but I ate... ate... and ate like there was no tomorrow and then chilled out for the rest of the evening.

A little more into the future, these trips became more often (it's not easy to keep eating hostel food), we gelled better as a group and she always stood out. She had an identity of her own. A charmer, good at studies, ethnic, and almost everything that you can expect from a girl. As I look back now, I don't know what would have happened if she was not there. As time flew by, we became closer and I respected her for what she was. I can remember numerous events where we had a nice and memorable time.

5 years with this girl, laughs, fights, arguments, cheap talk, crappy jokes, first time I PROVED I could cut onions, embarrassment (I called her a deaf girl instead of a white girl... in Tamil), a little bit of sorrows, and lots of lovely memorable times we shared together. If I were to make a pie with these as the ingredients, I am sure that would make my taste buds go gaa gaa goo goo.

And now when I was looking at her, with that silent smile on my face, she was taking a big step in her life, with all these memories flashing by in front of my face, I really can not express the happiness I felt. I don't know why but to see her smile to glory, the sparkle in her eyes and the tears of joy silently dripping from her eyes after the event made the entire occasion even more satisfying. And to be there with ALL the swashbucklers standing next to me as we stole a silent look from each other… I am sure we all were happy for her.

I just hope our relation does not end over here… and you would still stand by us and be part of the Swashbucklers in spite of how cruel, demanding life becomes and keep up for all that we thought we were, the swashbuckling spirit. It has always been a pleasure to be with you and shall always be.

Wish you a Happy Married Life… Mrs. Nisha Vinoth.

August 28^th, 2008

TENNIS

A game of balls and racket that amused me ever since I was a kid. What I can't believe it has taken me so long to realise that I can actually start learning it. It took one long distance call, gyan session from Krish and some practical LIFE realisation that made me move my lazy ass. A simple conversation…

K: Dude… you need to play some sport. I make sure I hit the nets every Saturday to flex my shoulders and play cricket.

D: I know. I want to play some sport too. I just don't know what to play.

K: What do you like playing?

D: I always wanted to play tennis.

K: Then WHY are you not playing?

D: Cause appa never bought me a racket.

K: DUDE… you are freaking EARNING... cant you buy one for yourself now? Why should appa buy you one? Get one yourself!!!

D: Actually ya… I think I will go get one.

Next stop, INDIRAPARK. Got hold of the coach and asked him what I should do to learn tennis. Do you have the moolah?? It is amazing what a nod of head can do. The coach asked me to come the next morning and said he would arrange for the racket and all.

It was a feeling that you just cannot describe. It is to know that you will be doing something you always wanted to do as a kid. Man… it was extremely satisfying.

And that's how; yours truly is now knocking a few balls around the court yard now. It took some time to realise that this is not cricket. There are no sixers in tennis. It's been a week since I joined (Bunked 3 classes already… it's really hard to get up at 6 when you are used to start sleeping at that time) and I am managing to keep the ball inside the court. Well, that is not easy when you have spent 22 years trying to hit the ball out of the stadium and suddenly you need to bounce it inside the court.

After a long time…

It has been a long time since I wrote here. Hmm… time zaps by so fast. Things change so fast that you just cant keep track of it.

 

So many times it happens too fast; you change your passion for glory,

Don't loose the grip on the dreams of the past,

You must FIGHT just to keep them alive…

 

Couple of bike trips, longest solo bike trip, Personal life taking a U turn, Professional life going where it is not intended to go, complications increasing exponentially. But, what is amazing is that life just moves on…

 

…. And the hits just keep on coming

 

I am at a point in life …again… where I have no clue of what I am doing and what is supposed to be done. Every thing looks so fuzzy and the fog is just not ready to clear. Probably, I am too lazy to put on the fog lights to guide my path.

 

I know not how things happened,

I know not why things happened,

I know not what is in-store,

I know not what might happen,

All I know is I am still the way I am,

And no matter how much LIFE pounds me down,

I shall still get up and ask IS THAT ALL!!    

Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay...

A story that got me thinking.

Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay......

Tree
People call me "Tree".
I had dated 5 girls when I was in Pre-U. There is one girl who I love a lot but never dared to go after. She didn't have a pretty face, good figure or an outstanding charm. She was just a very ordinary girl. I liked her. I really liked her. I liked her innocence, her frankness, her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her was that I felt somebody so ordinary like her was not a good match for me. I was also afraid that after we were together all the feelings would vanish. I was also afraid other's gossip would hurt her.
I felt that if she were my girl, she'd be mine ultimately & I didn't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompanying me for 3 years. She watched me chase other girls, and I have made her heart cry for 3 years. She was a good actor, and me a demanding director. When I kissed my second girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled & said, "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes were swollen like a walnut. I did not want to know what caused her to cry. Later that day, I returned from soccer training to get something & watched her cry in the classroom for an hour or so. My fourth girlfriend did not like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she is not the type that will start the quarrel. However, I still sided my girlfriend. I shouted at her & ignored her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she was laughing & joking with me like nothing happened. I know she was hurt but she did not know deep down inside I was hurt too.
When I broke up with my fifth girlfriend, I asked her out. Later that day, I told her I had something to tell her. I told her about my break up. Coincidentally, she has something to tell me too, about her getting together. I knew who the person was. His pursuit for her had been the talk of the School. I did not show her my heartache, just smiles & best wishes. Once I reached home, I could not breathe. Tears rolled & I broke down. How many times have I seen her cry for the man who did not acknowledge her presence?
During graduation, I read a SMS in my hp. It said, "Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"

Leaf
People call me Leaf.
During the 3 years of Pre-U, I was on very close terms with a guy as buddy kind. However, when he had his first girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 months. When they broke up, I hid my happiness. But after a month, he got together with another girl.
I liked him & I know he liked me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he loves me why he didn't he make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. After some time, I began to suspect that this was one-sided love. If he didn't like me, why did he treat me so well? It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. I know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me a girl, to ask him. Despite that, I still wanted to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, and love him. Hoping that one day, he will come to love me. Because of this, I waited for him. Sometimes, I wondered if I should continue waiting. The pain, the dilemma accompanied me for 3 years.
At the end of my 3rd year, a junior pursues me. Everyday he pursues me. He's like the cool & gentle wind, trying to blow off a leaf from a tree. In the end, I realized that I wanted to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know the wind will bring the leaf to a better land. Finally, leaf left the tree, but the tree only smiled & didn't ask me to stay.
Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or cause Tree didn't ask her to stay.

Wind
Because I like a girl called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree, so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 month after I was transferred to this new school. I saw a petite person look ing at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends, looking at him. When he talks with girls, there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like, she likes to look at him.
One day, she didn't appear. I felt something missing. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accepts the note. The next day, she appeared & passes me a note and left.
It read, "Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away."
"It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree." I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 months, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know, she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope.
Hoping that she will agree to be my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked, "What are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I could n't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her doorbell. During the moment when she opens the door, I hugged her tightly.
Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay...

Moral
In love, we win very rarely, but when love is true, even if you lose, you still win just for having the tingle of loving someone more than you love yourself. There comes a time when we stop loving someone, not because that person has stopped loving us but because we have found out that, they'd be happier if we let go....
Why do we close our eyes when we sleep? When we cry? When we imagine? When we kiss? This is because THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS IN THE WORLD ARE UNSEEN.
There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind, but keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world. It's the beginning of a new life. Happiness lies for those who cry those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of the people who have touched our lives.
A great love? It's when you shed tears and still you care for them, it's when they ignore you and still you long for them. It's when they begin to love another and yet you smile and say, "I'm happy for you." If love fails, set yourself free, let your heart spread its wings and fly again. Remember you may find love and lose it, but when love dies, you never have to die with it.
The strongest people are not those who always win but those who stand back up when they fall. Somehow, along the course of life, you learn about yourself and realize that there should never be regrets, only a lifelong appreciation of the choices you've made. Loving is not how you forget but how you forgive, not how you listen but how you understand, not what you see but how you feel, and not how you let go but how you hold on.
It's more dangerous to weep inwardly rather than outwardly. Outward tears can be wiped away while secret tears scar forever...
It's best to wait for the one you want than settle for one that's available.

It's best to wait for the right one because life is too short to waste on just someone.

I was watching a cricket match after a long time. A lazy Sunday afternoon, with nice home made "pappu" and some pulpy orange drink made the environment apt for a game of cricket.

As i watched Sachin blast his way through the Australian bowling, i went back down the memory lane remembering my days at college. I was so damn sure that the scene at our rec room in hostel would surely be more energetic than the one in my house right now.

Well, is change taking over? From electrifying cricket sessions to lazy sunday afternoon session? I am not really sure. I remember watching the 20-20 semi finals in Bangalore at a friends place. We did have a lovely time screaming and shouting and discussing tactics as we always used to do back at college.

Change of environment does play a role. Never watch a cricket match alone. Its always helpful to watch the match with couple of your friends and make sure you can root to the max.

INDIA HAVE WON THE UNDER 19 CRICKET WORLD CUP. YIPEEEEEE
INDIA HAVE WON THE 1ST FINALS AGAINST AUSTRALIA. YIPPEEEEE

IT WAS INDEED A SUPER DUPER SUNDAY!!

The Company that was - TATA CONSULTANCY SERVICES

Tata Consultancy Services a.k.a TCS has played a vital role in my life. Ever since I joined college, TCS has been a "Maximum Recruiting Company". What does that mean?? Maximum junta in my college ends up there. To make it even worse, they are the first company that visits the campus.

TCS was never in my good books. Probably because my sis works there. Any company where my sis works is surely not a good enough company for me. Why? Well, thats defined by the law of opposites. My sis and I don’t have a single common interest. Therefore, if she likes the company, I am bound to hate it.

The college did nothing to improve my impression about it. In fact, it made it even worse. There is something called "Placement Training". It has two phases. One organised by my seniors and the other by people outside. No offence, but I had NO BELIEF on the training given to us by our seniors. I decided to chuck it and head back home for a well deserved vacation. It was “Salaam Hyderabad" after 6 months. Little did I know that something else awaited back home other than food. After 2 days of travel, I come home fully energetic ( Don’t know where all that tiredness vanished) just to hear my dad say that I got a call from college and the placement training is mandatory else I will not be allowed to sit for TCS. He asked me leave the NEXT day. And guess what... I get to fly to Chennai so that I can spend MAXIMUM time in Hyderabad. It didn’t hit me hard then, but right after breakfast; a small mathematical calculation changed the entire perspective. I travel 1400km to enjoy a vacation and all I get is 36 hrs??? Before I could say anything the tickets were booked. Completely destroyed… would be an understatement.

I leave hyd, reach mdu cribbing and attend the "PT". Saying TOTAL CRAPPY SHIT WORTH NOT EVEN A BULL CRAP would still be praising the training.

Fast-forward... I get placed in TCS, did not feel a thing. It was just another day in my book. I have felt happier eating an ice cream or a chocolate. That night I have a nightmare about wasting my life in TCS staring at a monitor for the rest of my life.

I think this was the moment that changed the course of action. I start hunting for another job. Start off by putting my resume in every job portal I could. I don’t know why but I shared this though with my friends. Damn... one more depressing session... all you do is talk and no action... thats what he says all the time but never does anything. Well just this time... i decided not to tell anyone and work on my own.

One more idea that got the same reaction... try for a foreign job. Which foreign company would give you a job... Now you want to doom foreign companies??... My favourite comment was the one from a well know... intelligent senior of mine... it is impossible to get it... stop having high hopes.... any dont even think of a management job.. They don’t give it to engineers.

9 months later, I have a job offer from an American based Shipping firm, a post of Marketing and Sales Executive, Asia Operation working out of Singapore. Hmm... Isn’t it supposed to stop here... NAAAAA.

I have a MAJOR Gyan session about how TCS is the best company in the UNIVERSE, and I must have done a million punyams in my previous life to have got this job. Even a salary that is DOUBLE than the one offered by TCS could not convince my parents. No idea what they saw in TCS. Well... it did not stop with my parents. My dad made me meet a dozen people to advice me about how important this decision was and the impact on my future. I did get some people who supported me.

After a BIG MAHA MAHA MAHABHARATH at home, I finally leave for Singapore on June 25th(which also happens to be the same day I left for Madurai 4 years back for my engineering) while most of my friends are waiting for their call letters. I have an amazing 3 months before I come back to India for my first assignment. Hows the job? Do you like it? Are you enjoying it? Well... these might be the questions one might expect my parents would ask. But, then... all i get... its still not late... you can join TCS even now. I will help you out.

What more can I say? Just keep my mouth shut as usual and carry on with my work.

After working for 8 months as of today, when I look back, I have learnt really a LOT of stuffs and some good... some bad experience.

having fun with ppl, interact with ppl of various countries and cultures, talking to clients, travel, new places, have a cab waiting for you at the airport when you get down, have your expense taken care off, having a field job, more of brain work, absolutely not monotonous, look at every day as a new day, demanding boss who will not think twice to push you to your limit, morning shift.. Afternoon shift... night shift on the same day... every day, get blasted by clients, BLAST the upper management of FedEX and DHL, satisfaction of getting contracts, and lot more...

The most important thing I learn... Don’t take bull shit. You need to DELIVER and no matter how many motions you make. 10 completed projects are worth much more and 100 projects completed 99%.

I am sure these are experience I would have not been able to learn if I were in TCS.

When I look back... i hold not regrets. I am proud that I ditched TCS.

I AM PROUD I DITCHED MY FIRST COMPANY TO FOLLOW MY DREAM!!

The casket has been opened yet again!

" So many times, it happens so fast,
You change your passion for Glory,
Don't lose the grip on the dreams of the past,
For you must fight to keep them ALIVE..."

These lines seem to make a new meaning every time i listen to it.

Posting after almost a year seems so weird. Not that i didn't want to post at all during this period. Its just that every time i sat down i did not know where to start from and got so lost that i ran out of time to post. So i finally decided to cut this vicious circle and just start off posting.

It amazes me how much things can change within such a short period of time. When i went through my previous posts it seemed like it was a different life altogether.

I am now working for a American based shipping firm, working out of Singapore. 8 months back i was stuck in a stupid village trying to complete my engineering. Engineering eh.. hmm.. i am doing marketing now. Although my current job profile has very little to do with what i have learnt (or not learnt) during my engineering life... i still enjoy it. But then, i wouldn't say it was of no use at all. I have learnt so many things back in college life that would push me through my life.

I see the change of style, words, ideas, perspective and a lot more things when i look back. But then, i guess the roots will stay no matter how mature you become.

Enough of retrospection. I guess its time to carry with the change.. for the strength of a person lies in his ease of adaptability.

This marks a new beginning. The new PERSPECTIVE.

I HAVE BEEN RESURRECTED YET AGAIN!!!